What Your Bumper Sticker Says About You

Bumper stickers don’ t make sense to me.  What is the thought process when adding these to your car.  “I am really opinionated, but how can I get my message out?  I’ve got it!  I will put a sticker on the bumper of my car that not only will be impossible to remove later, but it will let people know how I feel!”  These are the worst of the worst:

Fear This

What You Think:  I am a badass.  I want to let everyone know by telling them that they better Fear This!

What I Think:  You are a redneck.  You probably are wearing Jinco jeans with a Big Dog shirt.  I do not fear you or your 1991 Nissan Sentra.

Middle School Honor Roll

What You Think:  People are really going to know how smart my child is.  He/She made the Honor Roll in middle school.  People are going to wish their kid was as smart as mine.

What I Think:  Congratulations.  You are a dumbass.  Your kid is not a genius.  They probably handed out this bumper sticker to every kid that doesn’t sit around and pick their nose all day.

OBX

What You Think:  I am outdoorsy.  I have been to Outer Banks.  To let everyone on the road know that I am outdoorsy, I am going to put this sticker on my window.  Now I need to get a Kayak rack for my Escalade.

What I Think:  If I were to put a map of North Carolina in front of you, you couldn’t point out where OBX is located.  In fact, I’d be willing to bet you have only been once.  So outdoorsy.

I Love My Wife

What You Think:  I am a devoted husband and I am going to show my devotion through a sticker.  God, I love my wife.

What I Think:  Your testicles are sitting in a jar in the passenger seat.  Your wife owns your soul and she probably bought this for you.  C’mon dude.

Choose Life

What You Think:  I am going to save a life with this sticker.  People not only need to know my religious beliefs, but my political beliefs as well.  I will show those baby killers.

What I Think:  Do you honestly think that a bumper sticker is going to stop a woman from getting an abortion?  Is she going to go to the clinic and stop at the entrance thinking, “What am I doing?  I just remembered that bumper sticker I saw on Thursday!  Thank god, that was a close one!”  No.

Hilton Head

What You Think:  I am rich.  Now people will know the amount of money I make because they will know I travel to Hilton Head.  Maybe they will think I know Paris Hilton.

What I Think:  You aren’t rich.  I can buy a Hilton Head sticker at Wal-Mart.

Billy Mays

What You Think:  Billy Mays was a badass, this sticker will honor his memory.

What I Think:  Billy Mays was a badass, that sticker really does honor his memory.