ITT Terrible

22 05 2010

I just got home from a long day at work, sweaty, tired and yes a little chafed. Few better ways to relax exist than feet up, AC 70 or below, boxers optional. Flipping through the channels, and it sneaks up on you like a wet fart in that big lecture hall you used to have bio in freshman year, yea the one with great acoustics. The damn ITT Tech commercial. Every guy in these commercials spends thirty seconds or less telling us how awesome his new IT job is. This would be all well and good if the techy drone position they describe didn’t sound so mind numbing that you’d be begging for a lobotomy by lunch on the first day. Cue a few shots of newfound IT genius doing something all us normal non-IT folk don’t have the extravagant salary for. Example: riding a straight off the pawn shop lot on a  motorcycle or cruising around in a busted ass johnboat. Having trouble containing the urge to start your application to this heavensent establishment for higher education? Don’t worry there’s more. If the high rolling adrenaline pumping office rat life style haven’t lured you in, then one look at the trailer park trophy wife on this winners arm will. The least they could do is not fade this thirty seconds of sheer bliss out with a close up of the bucktoothed fat chick’s grill. Here’s a suggestion. If you have the option of sitting through one of these commercials or being on the receiving end of the first round of roshambo…grit your teeth and grab a bag of ice, you can thank me later.

From Guest Writer: Perpetual Student

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Wedding Season

21 05 2010

We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that get so aroused by the thought of marriage that they’ll throw their inhibitions to the wind. And who’s gonna be there to catch them? Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season? Mr. Grey? Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?

Alright kind of a lame and overused intro to the post, but it really captures the excitement of this wonderful time of year.  With many friends getting married soon, I figured now would be an appropriate time for a Top 10 list.

It’s Wedding Season!  Alright…I’ll Stop.  But here is my list of the Top 10 Reasons weddings are so awesome.

1. Reuniting With Friends: Catching up with your buddies from college is great.  You go right back to freshman year.  You get to see who’s put on the most lbs.  And you get to relive the glory days with those who were there.  “Dude, do you remember that time in the hot tub with (insert freshman year slut here)?  So tits”.  Or, “Dude, do you remember that time you woke up cuddling a Shop Vac?  Even more tits”.

2. Music/Dancing: 50 white dudes dancing their hearts out to “Shout” in an alcohol induced stupor is a beautiful sight.  You can dance as terribly as you want and no one cares.  Not to mention the oodles of beautiful women dancing with you. Just give them a little twirl and your in like sin.  I’m not much of a dancer, but by God, I can do a nasty “Soljah Boy” at a wedding.

3. Girls: Probably the best part of wedding season.  All shapes, sizes, and colors of women dressed to kill.  If you are fortunate to be single, wedding season is like the opening of duck season.  Like the quote from “Wedding Crashers” states, these women really are super aroused by the thought of getting married.  It’s almost not fair.  Like shooting fish in a barrel.

4. Hotel Rooms:  Coupled with the amount of hotties, hotel rooms just add to the ease of picking up women at weddings.  Make a good connection?  Just head up three floors to the hotel room.  It can’t get much more convenient than that.  Just make sure you take care of business before the three other guys sharing the room with you come stumbling in.

5. Finger Food: Phenomenal finger food at that.  Free phenomenal finger food.  Mini sandwiches, meatballs, shrimp cocktails, it’s all golden.  Feel free to stuff in as much as you can.  You’re gonna need to fill that belly before you hit the open bar.  Just don’t fill it up too much, you don’t want to ralph on a girl while doing the “Soljah Boy”.

6. Open Bar: Sooooo tits.  The only thing better than free food is free beer.  And as much you can drink.  Let me reiterate just how incredible Wedding Season is.  Lots of women, hotel rooms, and an unlimited supply of alcohol and food.  Am I in heaven?  I believe so.

7. Destinations: Weddings are always better when you have to travel to get to them. It also ensures that there will be hotels rooms, which we have already gone over.  Feel free to explore a city you’ve never been to.  Check out the bar scene and the locals. Unless you happen to have a wedding in, say, Pulaski, Tennessee.  Don’t explore the locals there.

8. Pre-Wedding Get Together: In most cases there will be a “social” gathering the night before the wedding.  This usually occurs at the hotel bar.  It’s pretty much a pregame for the wedding.  Give your buddy as much shit as you can for getting married because in about 15 hours, you won’t be able to ever again.

9. Bachelor Parties: I don’t really need to go into detail with this one.  We ALL know just how amazing bachelor parties can be.  Instead I will provide the readers with this incredible movie quote:

Hello. How ’bout that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, “Wait a second, could it be?” And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!

10. Watching a Buddy Get the Ole’ Ball and Chain: Cue taps.  Your friend is about to bite the dust.  Gone are the nights of staying up til 4 am.  Gone are the crazy party days.  But this is what it’s all about.  The reason for the season.





Top Google Searches – “Why do I have…”

21 05 2010

Well, well, well. Looks like we are in for a treat this time around with the search query…”Why do I have…” I have no choice but to question these people who actually type these searches into Google. I guess if I was worried about my green poop or 4 nipples then I would consult Google before my friends. Google can’t make fun of me when I ask dumb/weird/just wrong questions…not yet at least! Here we go!

TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES: Why do I have…


Why do I have green poop?

Woah! Attention green poopers! Your poop is probably green because you, believe it or not, actually ate something green. I know this may come as a shock to you but if you eat green shit then chances are your shit will be green, too.

Some guy on one site did care to share to the world that he “usually gets green poop after eating Lucky Charms” which makes them even more ‘Magically Delicious’ in my book.

Why do I have so much gas?

First of all, farts are still considered funny…so don’t worry too much about it just yet. I’m going to assume that your diet is piss-poor and this could be the cause of your excessive gas. I’d look into more exercise, more fiber, more poops…if the poops are green, you now know what’s up as well.

Why do I have no friends?

Easy! You are a pathetic L-O-S-E-R!!! Sorry pal, I didn’t mean it…I’ll be your friend. My advice to you is to take a good long look at yourself and try to figure out where the hell you went wrong.

Examples:
-Do you play endless hours of World of Warcrap?
-Do you possess more than 5 cats?
-Do you like to eat your own boogers?
-Do you have a lot of gas and green poop?

Hopefully, you get the point. Basically, you need to start from scratch and try to be more social with society. Join a church, group, club, or whatever! Just get out there and do something! I really don’t want to see you on the news about to jump off a bridge, buddy.

Why do I have so much discharge?

I’m pretty sure I just puked in my mouth over this Google search question. What really bothers me is that there were soooooo many chicks that Googled this that it turned up on the top Google searches. That means that there are TONS of chicks crawling the streets with excessive discharge. Pretty disturbing huh? My advice to you ladies out there…please for the love of God get some help!

Why do I have dark circles under my eyes?

I’m going to take a stab at this question here and say that your tired. Get some sleep! If that’s not the problem than try getting some more iron in your diet. Lastly, if those dark circles are actually ‘black eyes’ then you should either learn how to fight better or run faster.

Why do I have 4 nipples?

Woah, I don’t know, you’re about to have puppies? I’ve never heard of this and I already feel sorry for you. Look into getting those two extra tits taken off ASAP! I sure as hell don’t want to see you on the same beach as me any time soon. Your lucky that Google doesn’t make fun of you, too.


Why do I have diarrhea?

You sir, I can imagine right now sitting at your computer frantically typing into the Google Search about your diarrhea problem while keeping your cornhole puckered up tight. Haha, thanks for the laugh at your expense! You probably ate something that didn’t agree with you like Mexican food…or drank waaaay too much.

Why do I have nightmares?

Maybe you should cut out watching Friday the 13th or Halloween before you go to bed. Maybe you did something you shouldn’t of and it’s coming back to haunt you.  It’s just a thought… Besides that, I’m not too sure.

However, if your nightmares consist of you sitting at home with no friends, 4 nipples, green diarrhea, bad gas and discharge…then I’m going to recommend that you don’t read this blog any more.





Celine Dion Looks Like A Saluki

20 05 2010

Usually in a post of this nature, I would ask the question, “Am I the only one that feels this way?”.  But I won’t.  The resemblance is undeniable.  For those who are unfamiliar with Salukis, here is some background info:

“The Saluki (Arabic: سلوقي) is perhaps the oldest known breed of domesticated dog. A study published in the May 21, 2004, issue of Science confirms the Saluki’s antiquity through DNA analysis identifying it as one of the earliest breeds to diverge from wolves. Like elsewhere in the Fertile Crescent region, Saluki-like animals appear on the ancient ceramics from Susa and Sialk of 3500 BC in Iran, as well as on Egyptian tombs of 2100 BC. The breed had been occasionally imported to England before 1840, however there was no serious interest until the Hon. Florence Amherst imported a breeding pair of Salukis from Lower Egypt in 1895 and began working to popularize the breed. The Kennel Club recognized Salukis in 1923.

Widely admired for its beauty, speed and endurance, the Saluki is a sight-hound and historically traveled throughout the Middle East with nomadic desert tribes over an area stretching from the Sahara to the Caspian Sea. As a result, different Saluki subtypes, varying mostly in colour and coat, can be found across this widely scattered area.” source: http://www.wikipedia.org

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s move on to the proof:

Still not convinced?

I have noticed this ever since I saw Titanic five times just for the boobs. What?  I was a tween and a PG-13 movie with female nudity was a jackpot.  I have never been able to look at her in the same light.  I always envision Celine Dion barking on stage or a Saluki singing “My Heart Will Go On”.  The latter would be like the Christina Aguilera monster from “South Park”.  Creepy.





Happy Endings Aren’t Just For Fairy Tales

20 05 2010

Man's other best friend...

The world can be a harsh, stress-inducing place.  Pharmaceutical companies are making billions selling shit that will either put you to sleep, relieve anxiety, or make stress a thing of the past. Why go through all this trouble when the age-old reliable answer is right in the palm of your hand?…literally.

From adolescence, society makes us well aware that if one ‘greases the nightstick’ then blindness, hairy palms and a slew of other less than desirable occurrences are soon to follow.  Well I’m calling bullshit.  Not only do I have hair-free palms and great vision (except for a little color blindness), I’m stress-free and sleep like a baby.

A great night’s sleep and blowing off a head of steam, no pun intended, aren’t the only benefits to ‘roping the pony’.  For instance, say you’re a little worked up before that first date.  Well, my friend, ‘give the banister a quick varnish’ and you’ll not only be cool, calm, and collected.  You’ll also have that much less of a chance of going half-staff if you decide to do a little rump shaking later in the evening. Or say your feeling bummed out about an ex that just gave you the boot.  Well if visiting the ole spank bank doesn’t brighten your spirits, then I don’t know what will.

And yes, I’m fully aware that some so-called religious individuals (bible thumpers being the majority) would say ‘giving the old pork sword a jiggle’ is frowned upon by the big man upstairs.  My rebuttal? Location, location, location. If God was in such disapproval of ‘waxing the weasel’, then why is my glory pole so conveniently located at arms reach?! I mean really!  Even if your entire arm is asleep, you can still manage with a well placed twist to get a handle on things.  This technique is also known as “The Stranger” for you newcomers, again no pun intended.

So next time you’re feeling stressed about that big business meeting, can’t sleep the night before a big test, or honestly just have ten minutes to waste…grab a sock, a tissue, or what the hell – your roommate never wears that shirt anyway, and ‘hammer the love steak’.

From Guest Writer: Perpetual Student





Your “Top Five Travel Hints” of the Week

19 05 2010

May I interest you in any warm cookies?

Greetings from East Brunswick, NJ!  Hopefully that location tells you how exciting my destination is. New Jersey sucks.  Northern New Jersey, that is.  Southern New Jersey, around PA, is actually quiet nice and is the part that earned the state the nickname “Garden State”.  From what I can tell, there isn’t a garden within 10 f***ing miles of where I am sitting.

I am here to bring you the “Top Five Travel Hints” for this week but I will make local suggestions throughout these articles. I am also developing quite the list on UrbanSpoon (a website and favorite iPhone application) where I write reviews from various eateries.

Local suggestion: The Frog and Peach.
Located right in the heart of Downtown New Brunswick, this place is a pretty good spot.  I could especially see this being a date spot…too bad I couldn’t convince a girl to come to New Brunswick with me during the work week.  Pretty expensive but they do have a “Frugal Farmer” section where you get a 3 course meal for around $30. The chicken meatballs were all sorts of tits.  They also had a featured item – “Macaroni and Cheese with Aged Gouda”.  This wasn’t mom’s Kraft mac and cheese with hotdogs…but it’ll do.

Here are your TOP FIVE TRAVEL HINTS for this week:

1.)  Ask for an upgrade – More than likely it will be “unavailable”.  However, I have found that rarely you actually find someone who doesn’t hate their life and they will give you the hook up. The important thing here is; If you don’t ask, you will not receive. Last week, I asked and they hooked me up with a handicapped room with a super-badass bathroom and a shower so big I could have fit a lazy-boy in there.  A big bathroom is always a party plus.

2.)  Arrive to your lodging between 4:30-6ish – During this time the majority of hotels offer complimentary warm cookies. Enough said.

3.)  Ask your selected hotel if they have a “manager’s reception/happy hour” – Many hotels do not advertise this feature but you can find out with a quick phone call.  This is a period of time between 5-7pm where the hotel offers free beer/wine/appetizers for guests of the hotel.  Even if your not a guest, I would suggest going if you’re dressed business casual or more. Quick hint for Nashvillians: The Embassy Suites near Opry Mills has an exceptional ‘manager’s reception’ that includes liquor.

4.)  Ask the receptionist if the hotel partners with a local gym – This is easy enough. Most of the time hotels will have sub-par workout facilities and will partner with LA Fitness for free sessions if staying at the hotel. Great way to get out.

5.) Always check your AC unit AS SOON AS you enter your hotel room – If for some reason the AC in your room is f***ed up,  you will suffer greatly. Get that sort of issue resolved quickly.

~Any suggestions or travel hints of your own?  Please post!~





Shia LaBeouf – Revenge of Walgreens

19 05 2010

Who would have guessed that young Lewis on Disney’s “Even Stevens” would produce a mugshot like this?  At least he looks happy.  The realization that jail is not as funny as it sounds must not have hit him yet.  It probably did hit him when he had to sit down next to a guy named Sheckles, who got locked up for biting his girlfriend’s ear in a domestic dispute.

In November of 2007, LaBeouf was arrested…in Walgreens.  Pretty awesome.  He celebrated his 21st birthday in 21st birthday fashion.  After a fiasco with pimple creme, cigarettes, and a security guard, he ended up in the slammer.  I’ll let Shia do the explaining.