Wedding Season

21 05 2010

We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that get so aroused by the thought of marriage that they’ll throw their inhibitions to the wind. And who’s gonna be there to catch them? Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season? Mr. Grey? Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?

Alright kind of a lame and overused intro to the post, but it really captures the excitement of this wonderful time of year.  With many friends getting married soon, I figured now would be an appropriate time for a Top 10 list.

It’s Wedding Season!  Alright…I’ll Stop.  But here is my list of the Top 10 Reasons weddings are so awesome.

1. Reuniting With Friends: Catching up with your buddies from college is great.  You go right back to freshman year.  You get to see who’s put on the most lbs.  And you get to relive the glory days with those who were there.  “Dude, do you remember that time in the hot tub with (insert freshman year slut here)?  So tits”.  Or, “Dude, do you remember that time you woke up cuddling a Shop Vac?  Even more tits”.

2. Music/Dancing: 50 white dudes dancing their hearts out to “Shout” in an alcohol induced stupor is a beautiful sight.  You can dance as terribly as you want and no one cares.  Not to mention the oodles of beautiful women dancing with you. Just give them a little twirl and your in like sin.  I’m not much of a dancer, but by God, I can do a nasty “Soljah Boy” at a wedding.

3. Girls: Probably the best part of wedding season.  All shapes, sizes, and colors of women dressed to kill.  If you are fortunate to be single, wedding season is like the opening of duck season.  Like the quote from “Wedding Crashers” states, these women really are super aroused by the thought of getting married.  It’s almost not fair.  Like shooting fish in a barrel.

4. Hotel Rooms:  Coupled with the amount of hotties, hotel rooms just add to the ease of picking up women at weddings.  Make a good connection?  Just head up three floors to the hotel room.  It can’t get much more convenient than that.  Just make sure you take care of business before the three other guys sharing the room with you come stumbling in.

5. Finger Food: Phenomenal finger food at that.  Free phenomenal finger food.  Mini sandwiches, meatballs, shrimp cocktails, it’s all golden.  Feel free to stuff in as much as you can.  You’re gonna need to fill that belly before you hit the open bar.  Just don’t fill it up too much, you don’t want to ralph on a girl while doing the “Soljah Boy”.

6. Open Bar: Sooooo tits.  The only thing better than free food is free beer.  And as much you can drink.  Let me reiterate just how incredible Wedding Season is.  Lots of women, hotel rooms, and an unlimited supply of alcohol and food.  Am I in heaven?  I believe so.

7. Destinations: Weddings are always better when you have to travel to get to them. It also ensures that there will be hotels rooms, which we have already gone over.  Feel free to explore a city you’ve never been to.  Check out the bar scene and the locals. Unless you happen to have a wedding in, say, Pulaski, Tennessee.  Don’t explore the locals there.

8. Pre-Wedding Get Together: In most cases there will be a “social” gathering the night before the wedding.  This usually occurs at the hotel bar.  It’s pretty much a pregame for the wedding.  Give your buddy as much shit as you can for getting married because in about 15 hours, you won’t be able to ever again.

9. Bachelor Parties: I don’t really need to go into detail with this one.  We ALL know just how amazing bachelor parties can be.  Instead I will provide the readers with this incredible movie quote:

Hello. How ’bout that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, “Wait a second, could it be?” And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!

10. Watching a Buddy Get the Ole’ Ball and Chain: Cue taps.  Your friend is about to bite the dust.  Gone are the nights of staying up til 4 am.  Gone are the crazy party days.  But this is what it’s all about.  The reason for the season.

Top Google Searches – “Why do I have…”

21 05 2010

Well, well, well. Looks like we are in for a treat this time around with the search query…”Why do I have…” I have no choice but to question these people who actually type these searches into Google. I guess if I was worried about my green poop or 4 nipples then I would consult Google before my friends. Google can’t make fun of me when I ask dumb/weird/just wrong questions…not yet at least! Here we go!


Why do I have green poop?

Woah! Attention green poopers! Your poop is probably green because you, believe it or not, actually ate something green. I know this may come as a shock to you but if you eat green shit then chances are your shit will be green, too.

Some guy on one site did care to share to the world that he “usually gets green poop after eating Lucky Charms” which makes them even more ‘Magically Delicious’ in my book.

Why do I have so much gas?

First of all, farts are still considered funny…so don’t worry too much about it just yet. I’m going to assume that your diet is piss-poor and this could be the cause of your excessive gas. I’d look into more exercise, more fiber, more poops…if the poops are green, you now know what’s up as well.

Why do I have no friends?

Easy! You are a pathetic L-O-S-E-R!!! Sorry pal, I didn’t mean it…I’ll be your friend. My advice to you is to take a good long look at yourself and try to figure out where the hell you went wrong.

-Do you play endless hours of World of Warcrap?
-Do you possess more than 5 cats?
-Do you like to eat your own boogers?
-Do you have a lot of gas and green poop?

Hopefully, you get the point. Basically, you need to start from scratch and try to be more social with society. Join a church, group, club, or whatever! Just get out there and do something! I really don’t want to see you on the news about to jump off a bridge, buddy.

Why do I have so much discharge?

I’m pretty sure I just puked in my mouth over this Google search question. What really bothers me is that there were soooooo many chicks that Googled this that it turned up on the top Google searches. That means that there are TONS of chicks crawling the streets with excessive discharge. Pretty disturbing huh? My advice to you ladies out there…please for the love of God get some help!

Why do I have dark circles under my eyes?

I’m going to take a stab at this question here and say that your tired. Get some sleep! If that’s not the problem than try getting some more iron in your diet. Lastly, if those dark circles are actually ‘black eyes’ then you should either learn how to fight better or run faster.

Why do I have 4 nipples?

Woah, I don’t know, you’re about to have puppies? I’ve never heard of this and I already feel sorry for you. Look into getting those two extra tits taken off ASAP! I sure as hell don’t want to see you on the same beach as me any time soon. Your lucky that Google doesn’t make fun of you, too.

Why do I have diarrhea?

You sir, I can imagine right now sitting at your computer frantically typing into the Google Search about your diarrhea problem while keeping your cornhole puckered up tight. Haha, thanks for the laugh at your expense! You probably ate something that didn’t agree with you like Mexican food…or drank waaaay too much.

Why do I have nightmares?

Maybe you should cut out watching Friday the 13th or Halloween before you go to bed. Maybe you did something you shouldn’t of and it’s coming back to haunt you.  It’s just a thought… Besides that, I’m not too sure.

However, if your nightmares consist of you sitting at home with no friends, 4 nipples, green diarrhea, bad gas and discharge…then I’m going to recommend that you don’t read this blog any more.

Top 10 Things I Hate About Work

12 05 2010

Let me set this up…

I can probably think of a million things I hate about work and I’m sure you could, too.  If you’re one of those people who actually claim to “enjoy” their job, then you are one of three things…

1) Delusional 2) Complete Loser OR 3) Filthy Rich

Anyways, I’ll be doing this Top 10 one post at a time…and as fast and slow as things piss me off at work…and in no specific order of hatred…and here we go!

#1 – The Communal Refrigerator

Insulated lunch bags make you look like a fairy.

At first thought, the idea of a communal refrigerator sounds glorious.  You might think, “Finally, a place where I can store my lunch and rest assured that it will be just like my fridge at home!”

Wrong, wrong, wrong.  It only takes one shithead to ruin the fridge for evvvvveryone else.

Allow me to elaborate…I actually woke up early to make my own lunch (and this is rare).  I make a turkey sandwich with the good bread (and you know what I mean by good bread).  I even took the time to throw some lettuce and pickles on the damn thing.  I brown bag it and throw it the communal fridge.  I swear, it and this never fails, that everyday of the week some jackass has to get their TUNA fix.  You know who you are…and you should be ashamed of yourself.  There should be a bylaw that thou stanky tuna shall never be allowed to enter thy communal fridge.  To get to my point, my turkey sandwich that has been in the chill box since early morning has actually been marinating in gagging aroma of putrid fish.  Have you ever eaten a turkey sandwich that tastes like tuna?  It’s miserable, disappointing, and ultimately nauseating.

Other Communal Refrigerator Pitfalls:

  • “Don’t you dare put your lunch box ON TOP of my brown bag lunch, Janice.”
  • Swiping my snacks makes me want to sneak-attack you…you don’t want that, trust me.
  • Just because I have a whole gallon of milk in the fridge DOESN’T mean you can use a splash for your coffee creamer.
  • “Good God, Clarence, is that your leftover Chili’s from last week that’s growing mold?”
  • I don’t care how much you like banana peppers.  Do NOT buy your economy sized jar and expect people to be cool with it taking up half the fridge.
  • If you do want to write your name on your lunch, please add an additional and humorous threatening remark as well…or a joke…or a slam on another coworker that eats out everyday.
  • If you spill something, clean it up or I’m using your sweater to do it…I’ve seen me do it before.

Top 10 iPhone Games

12 05 2010

I have owned an iPhone since the first generation was released and have downloaded hundreds of games.  Here is a list of my Top 10 in no particular order:

We Rule – Free

Welcome to a fanciful world of kingdoms where you and your friends rule!

Dark Nebula – Free

A handheld fullscreen game with no touch controls other than the device in your hand itself where you move the marble through inventive obstacle courses with the rocking motions of your hand.

Doodle Jump – $.99

The most addictive game on the App Store. It is considered one of the best games for the iPhone and iPod touch. A must have! But, be warned: it is Insanely Addictive!

Charadium – Free

Charadium is the fun & entertaining draw-and-guess multiplayer game for the whole family. Turn a word into a picture by drawing on the screen with your finger and then guess what others are drawing. Play against friends, family & anyone wherever they are in the world.

Peggle – $2.99

You eye a field full of pegs and blocks, all colored orange, blue, green, or purple. You possess 12 balls that you fire into the playing field one at a time, trying to light up and eliminate as many orange ones as possible; they’re the ones you must clear to advance to the next level. The blue ones simply get in your way, while the green ones provide power-ups and the purple ones grant score multipliers.

Plants vs. Zombies – $2.99

Get ready to soil your plants in an all-new action-strategy game from PopCap! A mob of fun-loving zombies is about to invade your home, and your only defense is an arsenal of 49 zombie-zapping plants. Use peashooters, wall-nuts, cherry bombs and more to mulchify 26 types of zombies before they can reach your front door.

Mr. AahH!! – $.99

You swing on a rope from platform to platform touching the screen to let go and tilting to refine your fall. That’s all there is to it.  Yet, so addictive.

Angry Birds – $.99

Angry Birds features hours of game play, challenging physics-based castle demolition, and lots of replay value. Each of the 120 levels requires logic, skill, and brute force to crush the enemy.

Valet Hero – Free

The basics, if not already clear, random cars will drive into the parking area and you need to draw a path to one of the appropriately color coded parking spaces for that vehicle.

Ragdoll Blaster 2 – $2.99

Ragdoll Blaster 2 is a crafty blend of ragdoll physics, puzzler and hand-drawn, cannon-fed craziness. Backflip Studio has strapped on its helmet again in their second iteration of the series with Ragdoll Blaster 2.