Wedding Season

21 05 2010

We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that get so aroused by the thought of marriage that they’ll throw their inhibitions to the wind. And who’s gonna be there to catch them? Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season? Mr. Grey? Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?

Alright kind of a lame and overused intro to the post, but it really captures the excitement of this wonderful time of year.  With many friends getting married soon, I figured now would be an appropriate time for a Top 10 list.

It’s Wedding Season!  Alright…I’ll Stop.  But here is my list of the Top 10 Reasons weddings are so awesome.

1. Reuniting With Friends: Catching up with your buddies from college is great.  You go right back to freshman year.  You get to see who’s put on the most lbs.  And you get to relive the glory days with those who were there.  “Dude, do you remember that time in the hot tub with (insert freshman year slut here)?  So tits”.  Or, “Dude, do you remember that time you woke up cuddling a Shop Vac?  Even more tits”.

2. Music/Dancing: 50 white dudes dancing their hearts out to “Shout” in an alcohol induced stupor is a beautiful sight.  You can dance as terribly as you want and no one cares.  Not to mention the oodles of beautiful women dancing with you. Just give them a little twirl and your in like sin.  I’m not much of a dancer, but by God, I can do a nasty “Soljah Boy” at a wedding.

3. Girls: Probably the best part of wedding season.  All shapes, sizes, and colors of women dressed to kill.  If you are fortunate to be single, wedding season is like the opening of duck season.  Like the quote from “Wedding Crashers” states, these women really are super aroused by the thought of getting married.  It’s almost not fair.  Like shooting fish in a barrel.

4. Hotel Rooms:  Coupled with the amount of hotties, hotel rooms just add to the ease of picking up women at weddings.  Make a good connection?  Just head up three floors to the hotel room.  It can’t get much more convenient than that.  Just make sure you take care of business before the three other guys sharing the room with you come stumbling in.

5. Finger Food: Phenomenal finger food at that.  Free phenomenal finger food.  Mini sandwiches, meatballs, shrimp cocktails, it’s all golden.  Feel free to stuff in as much as you can.  You’re gonna need to fill that belly before you hit the open bar.  Just don’t fill it up too much, you don’t want to ralph on a girl while doing the “Soljah Boy”.

6. Open Bar: Sooooo tits.  The only thing better than free food is free beer.  And as much you can drink.  Let me reiterate just how incredible Wedding Season is.  Lots of women, hotel rooms, and an unlimited supply of alcohol and food.  Am I in heaven?  I believe so.

7. Destinations: Weddings are always better when you have to travel to get to them. It also ensures that there will be hotels rooms, which we have already gone over.  Feel free to explore a city you’ve never been to.  Check out the bar scene and the locals. Unless you happen to have a wedding in, say, Pulaski, Tennessee.  Don’t explore the locals there.

8. Pre-Wedding Get Together: In most cases there will be a “social” gathering the night before the wedding.  This usually occurs at the hotel bar.  It’s pretty much a pregame for the wedding.  Give your buddy as much shit as you can for getting married because in about 15 hours, you won’t be able to ever again.

9. Bachelor Parties: I don’t really need to go into detail with this one.  We ALL know just how amazing bachelor parties can be.  Instead I will provide the readers with this incredible movie quote:

Hello. How ’bout that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, “Wait a second, could it be?” And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!

10. Watching a Buddy Get the Ole’ Ball and Chain: Cue taps.  Your friend is about to bite the dust.  Gone are the nights of staying up til 4 am.  Gone are the crazy party days.  But this is what it’s all about.  The reason for the season.

Happy Endings Aren’t Just For Fairy Tales

20 05 2010

Man's other best friend...

The world can be a harsh, stress-inducing place.  Pharmaceutical companies are making billions selling shit that will either put you to sleep, relieve anxiety, or make stress a thing of the past. Why go through all this trouble when the age-old reliable answer is right in the palm of your hand?…literally.

From adolescence, society makes us well aware that if one ‘greases the nightstick’ then blindness, hairy palms and a slew of other less than desirable occurrences are soon to follow.  Well I’m calling bullshit.  Not only do I have hair-free palms and great vision (except for a little color blindness), I’m stress-free and sleep like a baby.

A great night’s sleep and blowing off a head of steam, no pun intended, aren’t the only benefits to ‘roping the pony’.  For instance, say you’re a little worked up before that first date.  Well, my friend, ‘give the banister a quick varnish’ and you’ll not only be cool, calm, and collected.  You’ll also have that much less of a chance of going half-staff if you decide to do a little rump shaking later in the evening. Or say your feeling bummed out about an ex that just gave you the boot.  Well if visiting the ole spank bank doesn’t brighten your spirits, then I don’t know what will.

And yes, I’m fully aware that some so-called religious individuals (bible thumpers being the majority) would say ‘giving the old pork sword a jiggle’ is frowned upon by the big man upstairs.  My rebuttal? Location, location, location. If God was in such disapproval of ‘waxing the weasel’, then why is my glory pole so conveniently located at arms reach?! I mean really!  Even if your entire arm is asleep, you can still manage with a well placed twist to get a handle on things.  This technique is also known as “The Stranger” for you newcomers, again no pun intended.

So next time you’re feeling stressed about that big business meeting, can’t sleep the night before a big test, or honestly just have ten minutes to waste…grab a sock, a tissue, or what the hell – your roommate never wears that shirt anyway, and ‘hammer the love steak’.

From Guest Writer: Perpetual Student

If I Was a Woman

11 05 2010

There is only one thought running through my head…What if I woke up as a hot brawd? This thought has crossed my mind before but I’m really analyzing this question at the moment. If I were to wake up as a hot little blond with big tits and a fat ass, this would be my schedule for the day:

– 10:00 AM: Wake up to scratch my morning wood only to find I have no penis.
– 10:01 AM: Cry hysterically because my life has no meaning.
– 10:02 AM: Stop crying when I realize I have DD boobs and a vagina.
– 10:03 AM: Take in the situation and think to myself what I could do to make the best of this dilemma.
– 10:04 AM: Play with my boobs.
– 10:05 AM: Curious as to what all the fuss is about when it comes to multiple orgasms, I masturbate.
– 10:15 AM: Realizing what all the fuss is about, I masturbate 15 times consecutively.
– 11:30 AM: Hop in the shower.
– 11:35 AM: Press my boobs up against the shower door.
– 11:36 AM: Let out a really long and loud shower fart and laugh to myself because a girl just farted.
– 12:00 PM: Eat lunch.
– 12:05 PM: Feeling bloated, I decide to test a theory that has been proven by such scientists as Newton, Einstein, and Darwin: Girls don’t poop.
– 12:06 PM: Attempt to blast a shit out to see if girls really don’t poop.
– 12:10 PM: Wish I had not tested this theory when I realize that girls actually can poop.
– 12:11 PM: Shiver in disgust.
– 12:12 PM: Tweak my nipples.
– 12:15 PM: Thank god I am not on the rag…talk about ruining a once in a life time opportunity.
– 12:30 PM: Get dressed to go out and show off my new found body.
– 12:35 PM: Realizing that I only have dude clothes in my closet, I put on a t-shirt and jeans and prepare to go to the mall.
– 12:40 PM: Masturbate twice.
– 1:30 PM: Arrive at the mall and head for Victoria Secret to get some sexy lingerie.
– 1:45 PM: Realizing that I have no idea what I’m doing, I ask a hot brunette to help me out.
– 2:00PM: She enters the dressing room with me while I’m trying on a bra and I realize that I would have a raging hard on if I was still a dude at the thought of this situation.
– 2:05 PM: Tell the brunette that I have fake boobs and ask if she would like to feel them.
– 2:06 PM: She accepts and I immediately put this image in the spank bank for use when I go back to being a dude.
– 3:00 PM: Go back home with a new wardrobe.
– 3:01 PM: Feel kind of gay for buying a new wardrobe, but override this thought when I look at my boobs.
– 3:02 PM: Bounce up and down to watch my boobs jiggle…amazing.
– 4:00 PM: Arrive home and immediately strip down.
– 4:05 PM: Take pictures of my bangin’ body for documentation.
– 4:06 PM: Wonder if it will be creepy to masturbate to the pictures when I turn back into a guy.
– 4:07 PM: Squeeze my boobs and realize, absolutely not.
– 4:30 PM: Cry.
– 4:35 PM: Can’t stop crying.
– 4:40 PM: Realize that it must be female nature to cry about everything.
– 4:45 PM: Masturbate.
– 5:00 PM: Miss my penis.
– 5:01 PM: Cry.
– 5:02 PM: Fart and laugh again.
– 5:30 PM: Eat dinner.
– 5:45 PM: Feeling bloated, but don’t dare test scientific theories again.
– 6:00 PM: Decide that tonight I am going to have a lesbian encounter.
– 6:01 PM: Really miss my penis at the thought of this.
– 6:02 PM: Shake my boobs around and feel better.
– 7:00 PM: Put on my new dress which shows off my flawless tits and look in the mirror:
– 7:01 PM: Damn I look good.
– 7:02 PM: Play with boobs.
– 8:00 PM: Head to a lesbian bar.
– 8:10 PM: Get in a car accident on the way, realize this is because I am a woman.
– 8:15 PM: Man that I hit is furious, show him my boobs and he calms down.
– 8:16 PM: He hits on me and I quickly realize how gay this situation is and leave.
– 9:00 PM: Get to the bar.
– 9:30 PM: Find two of the hottest lesbians.
– 10:00 PM: They buy me drinks because I am so hot.
– 10:01 PM: Think to myself how awesome it is to never have to pay for a drink.
– 10:02 PM: Remember that I can’t drive because I am a woman, and realize that these two balance each other out.
– 12:00 AM: Take two hot lesbians home for a threesome.
– 12:30 AM: Video tape everything, for documentation of course.
– 1:00 AM: One of them pulls out a dildo at tries to put it in my ass.
– 1:01 AM: Give her the dolphin, remembering that my ass will soon be a dude’s.
– 2:00 AM: Lesbians leave.
– 2:01 AM: Play with my boobs.
– 2:10 AM: Fall asleep.
– 10:00 AM: Wake up with morning wood and attempt to hug my penis because I missed it so much.
– 10:01 AM: Fart.
– 10:02 AM: Laugh and realize farts are funny no matter what.
– 10: 03 AM: Glad I am a dude again.
– Next Two Days: Don’t leave house with due to videos, pictures, and spank bank material accumulated from the previous day.