Happy Endings Aren’t Just For Fairy Tales

20 05 2010

Man's other best friend...

The world can be a harsh, stress-inducing place.  Pharmaceutical companies are making billions selling shit that will either put you to sleep, relieve anxiety, or make stress a thing of the past. Why go through all this trouble when the age-old reliable answer is right in the palm of your hand?…literally.

From adolescence, society makes us well aware that if one ‘greases the nightstick’ then blindness, hairy palms and a slew of other less than desirable occurrences are soon to follow.  Well I’m calling bullshit.  Not only do I have hair-free palms and great vision (except for a little color blindness), I’m stress-free and sleep like a baby.

A great night’s sleep and blowing off a head of steam, no pun intended, aren’t the only benefits to ‘roping the pony’.  For instance, say you’re a little worked up before that first date.  Well, my friend, ‘give the banister a quick varnish’ and you’ll not only be cool, calm, and collected.  You’ll also have that much less of a chance of going half-staff if you decide to do a little rump shaking later in the evening. Or say your feeling bummed out about an ex that just gave you the boot.  Well if visiting the ole spank bank doesn’t brighten your spirits, then I don’t know what will.

And yes, I’m fully aware that some so-called religious individuals (bible thumpers being the majority) would say ‘giving the old pork sword a jiggle’ is frowned upon by the big man upstairs.  My rebuttal? Location, location, location. If God was in such disapproval of ‘waxing the weasel’, then why is my glory pole so conveniently located at arms reach?! I mean really!  Even if your entire arm is asleep, you can still manage with a well placed twist to get a handle on things.  This technique is also known as “The Stranger” for you newcomers, again no pun intended.

So next time you’re feeling stressed about that big business meeting, can’t sleep the night before a big test, or honestly just have ten minutes to waste…grab a sock, a tissue, or what the hell – your roommate never wears that shirt anyway, and ‘hammer the love steak’.

From Guest Writer: Perpetual Student

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One response

21 05 2010
lookaloop

great post. i remember my friend told me people who masturbate will have babies growing out of their hand on judgement day. but if u repent then your hands will hav a miscarriage.

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