Tales From Truckers

15 05 2010

This will be the first in a series that will keep our readers up to date on the stories I hear from truckers.  I work at a trucking company where I interact with truckers on a daily basis.  Oh the stories I hear, some of which I unfortunately cannot unlearn.

The Watermelon

This story has been one of my all time favorites. The conversation goes a little something like this:  Trucker: “You wanna hear how to have sex with a watermelon?”  Me: “How can I say no?”

He goes on to explain.  Well, you have to wait until it is nice and hot outside.  A beautiful summer day will suffice.  That way the inside of the watermelon feels like the real thing. It’s important that it is about three weeks from maturity, timing is everything. This will come into play later.  Now, what you want to do is cut out a hole, depending on size of course, and place it on the ground.  There are many positions when you are making love to a watermelon so make sure to try them all out.  When you have finished up take the hole you cut out and place it back.  Since the watermelon is three weeks away from being ripe, the hole will fill itself in, leaving no trace of tampering or your antics.

Ok, so this is kind of American Pie’ish. Could be a farce.  But, here’s the kicker.

Now, Hardly Working, you need to take this special watermelon to the Farmer’s Market, along with all the rest of your garden goodies.  You have to wait for the perfect customer.  Preferably a nice old lady.  You sell her that special watermelon, and I quote, “Giver her a nice treat she hasn’t had in a while”.

So, be careful who and where you buy your watermelons from.

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